Thursday, May 12, 2005

What do I say?

How do you talk to someone who just lost someone very close to them? I am really struggling with this. This weekend, I will be with Dan most of the time, and everybody is well aware of my talent of putting my foot in my mouth.

Right now, I vary between asking how he's doing, talking about his mother, and then trying to make him laugh. He does laugh, so I guess he appreciates it, but I don't know. Also, when I talk about his mother, I start crying, so that doesn't seem like it would help.

Anybody have any insight? Please help.


Mane the Mean said...

There is not much you can say.

I think the most important thing
you can do is just be there,
and listen when he wants to talk.
It may well be, that he has
very hard time just to talk.

I remember, that I was glad to
just have people around when my
father died. Loosing a parent
is hard, but in the end it is
how it should go, and thus I think
most of us are able to handle
the sorrow. The handling the
sorrow is a lot of work, and
may be rather exhausting.

The other thing what you can do,
it to take your friend for a walk.
It is good to be out, have some
exercise. It helps in getting sleep,
which may be hard after loosing
a parent (or anyone close).

Mane the Mean said...

And it is important to cry.
So, when your friend cries,
do not try to stop him.

Hugging is good, if he feels
like that.

Mane the Mean said...

One more point.

You need to do your own work
to come over the sorrow. So,
you crying is not a bad thing
for him at all - it shows
that you care.

Mane the Mean said...

Some more notes.

Some of us find it very consoling
to see children and play with them
after losing a parent. Somehow,
children, not necessarily own/kin's,
provide assurance, that life goes
on after all.

And, many people find that trying
to keep busy when working on
sorrow, is helpful. Even arranging
the funerals is for mane very
good way of working on sorrow.
In any case, one should not take
too many days off from work.

You will do fine, we all do, if
we just do not try to do more
we can.

Ilana said...

Matti, you're the best. Thanks again for your thoughtful responses.